I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
