I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
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My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
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I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
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