he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
