I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
