He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
