I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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