she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
