News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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