I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
