he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
