I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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