just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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