I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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