the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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