dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
