Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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