the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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