i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
