My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
