I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
