Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
