i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
