Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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