i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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