what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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