I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Randomize
