Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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