There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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