you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
3pm strippers are depressing
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
