party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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