dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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