I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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