onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
