Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
