Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
