I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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