so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
