I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
