The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
