At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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