Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
