Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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