I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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