I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
