I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
