So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
