honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i just had sex bonerless
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
