Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
