Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
