He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
