it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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