everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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