areolas are like halos for boobs.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
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