so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
