Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
