im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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