i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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