Four minutes until I can fart!
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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